Stuck

I feel stuck.
When I want to cry, I can't. When I don't want to cry, I do.
I want to call my mom. My sister. Anyone. But I don't want them to know that I am upset, because then that will make them upset. And then I'll feel bad that I made them upset in the first place.

I feel bad for my grandma. I can't imagine how she feels after losing someone she was with for almost 67 years.
I feel bad for my mom, who is now without a parent. I feel bad for my niece, Kate, who clung to my mom at the beginning of the funeral, experiencing her first real loss.

I know my co-workers think I've been quiet. They say to me, "you've been so quiet lately..." I chalk it up to having a lot to do, which isn't a lie. The truth is, I like being busy. I thrive on it. They know I seem sad, but they don't ask me anything else, and that's ok with me.

I know I'm in a rut, and it won't last forever. We all go through ruts. They hurt, and they are hard. As Tara said, "it's understandable. You've had some bad sh*t happen." I have a lot to look forward to, and a lot to be thankful for. I just hope the stuck feeling goes away soon.