No "Jo"

In the last week I have been asked out on two coffee dates. I know, yay me, right?
Wrong.

The dates are with people I've seen in the past, and maybe now they're asking because I'm technically "available" again.

The truth is, I really don't want to have coffee with either one of them whether I have 50 boyfriends or am single as a dollar bill. I'm not trying to be mean. But I'm not interested in dating either one of them, and the friendship has probably run its course as well.

Last week I wrote a post on being truly happy with me first, before plunging into the dating pool again. If I want to meet someone great, I need to be a great person. And it's true. Just as I'm not very interested into developing an online profile, I'm not very interested in resorting to old stand-bys for the heck of it. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to them. They deserve someone totally into them, and I'm not that person.

I know what some people might think....what's wrong with coffee? What's wrong with having the friendship? You're never going to meet anyone unless you try! It won't do you any harm!

I don't totally agree. Let's say I go on one of these coffee dates. It would be somewhat enjoyable, but so is reading a good book at home. And while I'm on one of these "dates," Mr. Right could be sitting across the restaurant. But is either of us going to approach each other in that situation? No. I just wouldn't do that, and most guys would probably think I'm dating the person I'm there with. I know this is a stretch, but how will I get the chance to meet a great person if I'm hanging out with someone who isn't so great? I won't.

I want my life to be as enjoyable as possible. If I don't want to have coffee, I won't. If I don't want to go to some bar until 2 am, I won't do that, either. Sometimes if I want to sit at home with my dog on a Saturday night, eating cheetos and watching TV, than so be it. In some cases, it's the better choice, and the right one for me.

You Know

You know you enjoy your job when...you're friends never hear you complain about it.
You know your dog loves you when...she licks your face first thing in the morning.
You know you enjoy a certain book when...you'd rather keep reading than get some needed shut eye.
You know it's too hot when...you're getting sweaty and uncomfortable sitting at your work desk.
You know you appreciate your parents when...you think of their feelings before you do or say something.
You know summer has gone too fast when...you have not worn one of your favorite pair of shoes or officially put out your "summer wardrobe."

Garden

I can now see why everyone goes ga-ga over having a garden.

I stopped at my brother's house yesterday, and my sister-in-law told me to pick some fresh tomatoes, beans, carrots and green onion from their garden. She also picked me some fresh rosemary, basil and pesto. When I got home I cut up some tomatoes, green pepper (store bought), onion and some of the herbs and stirred it all together with a little olive oil. Oh my gosh! The salsa-like concoction was so much fresher and tastier than anything I would buy in a store.

This week I'm going to grill up some pork and use some of the herbs. I can hardly wait to see how it tastes. Yum!

If I have one goal for next summer, it is to build my own garden, even just a small one. I'd like some tomatoes, onion, carrots and beans. Maybe some peppers. That's all I need.

e- What-the-heck?

Ok, who's trying to be funny?
I open my work inbox to find the usual library listserv emails, google alerts, stuff from co-workers, etc, when I spot a subject line that says "Meet great singles in your area!"

Huh? Is this a joke? Um....yeah. Delete.

I've never had dating emails sent to my work address before. Hotmail, yes...but not the work one. Super.

I don't even remotely feel like jumping into the singles pool again. I'm maybe, possibly ready for getting my pretty-painted toes wet, but that's about it. Sure, my male friends are encouraging me to "get back out there and find a nice rebound boy." I'm not interested.

I'm not knocking e-Harmony or those other internet matching sites. I know they can be effective, and for some people they work. I just don't feel like working too hard right now to find Mr. Right. And I really don't feel like paying money to find him.

Over the winter, I stumbled upon the book, "Be Honest - You Weren't That Into Him, Either," by Ian Kerner. One thing I really took from that was this: If I want to meet somebody truly fabulous, I have to become truly fabulous first.

In other words, how can I expect to find a totally great guy if I am not feeling great myself?

More than anything, I need time. Time to relax, time to heal, time to recollect and time to become that fabulous person again. I need time more than a rebound boy, a one-night fling, or a eHarmony email. I do think we meet people when we least expect it. I also think we meet them when we are at our best and happy with ourselves.

I know I will get to that place again, when I have that spring in my step and an easy-going smile on my face. It will come. I wouldn't expect to attract many men at this point, and that's ok. If I want to meet someone great, I have to become my "best" self.

And that is what I will do. Be the best I can be, surround myself around the best people and want the best. Work out, be generous, be kind, eat healthy, work hard and play hard.

So, eHarmony, match.com and all the other singles-schmingles websites can send me all the emails they want. I'm not taking the plunge.

Stuck

I feel stuck.
When I want to cry, I can't. When I don't want to cry, I do.
I want to call my mom. My sister. Anyone. But I don't want them to know that I am upset, because then that will make them upset. And then I'll feel bad that I made them upset in the first place.

I feel bad for my grandma. I can't imagine how she feels after losing someone she was with for almost 67 years.
I feel bad for my mom, who is now without a parent. I feel bad for my niece, Kate, who clung to my mom at the beginning of the funeral, experiencing her first real loss.

I know my co-workers think I've been quiet. They say to me, "you've been so quiet lately..." I chalk it up to having a lot to do, which isn't a lie. The truth is, I like being busy. I thrive on it. They know I seem sad, but they don't ask me anything else, and that's ok with me.

I know I'm in a rut, and it won't last forever. We all go through ruts. They hurt, and they are hard. As Tara said, "it's understandable. You've had some bad sh*t happen." I have a lot to look forward to, and a lot to be thankful for. I just hope the stuck feeling goes away soon.

Much-Needed Massage

I had my first (professional) massage yesterday, in over a year. It was fantastic!

I was tight, tense and sore. The areas that were worked on needed it badly. There were times that it hurt so badly that I almost wanted to cry. My shoulders ached this morning when I got dressed, so whatever was done must've been good. I realized that I need to schedule one more often, even if I think I shouldn't do it or can't afford one. It's just worth it.

Good Bye, Grandpa

My Grandpa Ed, at the age of 87, passed away peacefully last evening.
He was my mother's father, and the only grandfather I ever knew. My dad's father died of a heart attack when my dad was only 17.

We knew it was coming. His heart had been failing the last several months. He had been in a nursing home for several weeks, and before then, had been receiving hospice care at his home. My dad told me a few days ago that he had stopped eating solids, and his body was starting to shut down. He wasn't recognizing family as well. The last time I saw him, he thought I was my older sister. Even though we knew it was coming, it still is never easy once it happens, is it?

He and my grandma would've celebrated their 66th anniversary this November. In this day and age, that is pretty unbelievable. It's actually pretty amazing that up until now, I had three grandparents still living.

Grandpa was never the epitome of great health. My family and I seriously wondered how he kept his body going all these years. For decades, he smoked, drank, drove when he shouldn't have, chewed Copenhagen and gambled until the wee hours of the morning at the casino (driving my grandma nuts in the process.) A few years ago he passed out at a black jack table, and we're told that when he "came to" in the ambulance, he kept saying, "hit me, hit me." That still makes me chuckle.

He lived his life and did what he wanted. And hopefully now he is in a very peaceful place. That is all anyone of us can ask for.